There are no words.

I've been struggling all week to think of something clever to say about the hubs leaving for the next 12 weeks. He always tells me that if I was ever to let people "hear" to real me through my blog then it would be wildly popular. I think he thinks I'm cooler than I actually am.

Anyways... I've been trying to think of a way to live up to his expectation by thinking of a funny analogy or a cool story or something to explain the way I'm feeling. What I've come to realize is... that way does not exist. This is not one of those situations where I cannot tell a funny story and it somehow leads into, "Oh, and by the way, my husband is leaving tomorrow for 12 weeks and will miss the birth of his son. But it's totally okay because this is all a part of God's plan."

I've tried really hard to keep my spirits up this week, especially for my husband's sake. I don't want him to see me struggling. I call this my "Scottish stoicism". It comes from when we were preparing to leave Scotland and said our goodbyes to a lady in our church. We said to her, "Oh Caroline, we wanted to give you a hug because this is our last Sunday with you." (She was going to be on holiday when we left so we had to say farewell to her earlier.) She gave us an odd look, an awkward sideways hug and said, "Alright then" and walked away. And while some would take this as rudeness, we understood that this was just how a lot of people acted over there. They aren't nearly as emotional as Americans. So, when faced with an emotional situation, I try to summon my inner Scotsman.

Well, now I'm starting to ramble. I guess, I've been trying so hard to be strong and make light of the situation and now I realize... there is no need. It is a serious, emotional situation. It is okay for me to feel nervous about my husband being away from his 1 year old daughter for that long. It's okay for me to be scared about delivering our son without him there to hold my hand. There's nothing wrong with me feeling that way. There's nothing wrong with him knowing that I feel that way. There's nothing wrong with crying to try to feel better about it. It's a tough situation.

So, I know that this is only for a season. I know that I have an unbelievable support system here while he's away, which is more than most have. I know that God will use this to help us minister to others later in our lives, and that is way cool. Despite all of that, my heart is still breaking. My daughter is without her dad all summer long and I'm without my husband and it is okay, and even right, that I'm sad about that.

In short, I'm sorry that I don't have anything funny or clever to say for this post. But I do have an encouraging thought. So far in my life, God has used every difficult situation in my life to bring others closer to him. And anyone who knows me well, knows that there are some real horrors in my life. In spite of all those dark situations, God was good. He was good then, He is good now and He will be good again tomorrow.