Peace

With the weekend quickly coming to a close I am coming to terms with the probability that my son will not come until I'm induced on Tuesday. The thought of that being the case terrifies me because it means that he won't be able to join us via Skype or even on the telephone. He's out in the field next week and is unreachable. I can't even talk to him on the phone afterwards to tell him his son was born. The most I can do is call the number for his Gunnery Sergeant and leave a message that his son was born and ask that he pass the message along.

The thought of having this baby without him physically here was hard enough. But facing the likely situation of him not being present AT ALL is nearly unbearable. I mean, when I found out that they couldn't induce me until Tuesday, I literally broke down in tears in the parking lot and had to sit there and cry it out for 5 minutes before I could even drive home.

I've been trying to face the fact that this situation is highly probable and figure out a way to deal with it so that I'm not overwhelmed by the reality of it on Tuesday. And I can't quite come to grips with it. I don't know how I'm going to handle it in the moment. We'll have to wait and see.

But here are the things I do know:

#1: I'm not the first person to ever go through this. I don't know how military wives of the past survived without the technology we have today. I can't imagine only being able to communicate with my husband via letters and an occasional phone call. So while my situation my not be ideal, other women have been through far worse and lived to tell the tale. If they can do it, I can do it.

#2: This is harder on my husband than it is on me. My husband hates feeling like he can't take care of us and even though what he is doing now is the best thing for our family, I know that the idea of not being here is killing him. He would never admit that to me because he's being strong for me. He's being supportive and loving and encouraging because that's just who he is. But I know him. I know this is the hardest thing he's ever had to do. However unbearable this seems to me, it's a thousand times worse for him.

#3: This could be an answer to prayer. You know how I've said "Be careful what you pray for" ? Consider this a prime example. My prayer throughout our time apart has been for God to use this situation for His purposes. Now, I don't know what his plans are. Maybe the nurse who will be taking care of me on Tuesday needs to see God working in someone's life more than the nurse who would have taken care of me tonight. Maybe this will help me to build bridges with other military wives as we work to minister to their husbands and families.

#4: God is bigger than my problem. He has proven this over and over again in my life. He has taken care of us when we had no home, no money and no food. He has always given us what we need, never what we want and at the end of the day we've always been grateful for that. If He has always been faithful in the past, I will not doubt him now.

I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want to do this without my husband. But this is the life we've chosen. This is the life we've been called to. And I just need to make my peace with that. For now, I will thank God for the beautiful daughter I have, and my wonderful husband and our son who will be here very soon. Even if I'm terrified to face Tuesday without my husband, I'm incredibly blessed. And maybe that's the lesson I'm meant to take away from this whole thing.